Save the Pearls: Chapter 7 (or, What About The Alt-Left?)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being captured by two scary members of the FFP, Eden is taken to the Moon Dance, where she almost raped twice! Though she briefly escapes, she is recaptured, but just when she loses all hope of rescue, her boss Bramford appears to save her. He says some Edward Cullen/Christian Grey-type stuff, and then they return to her father’s lab.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 7 (or, What About The Alt-Left?)”


Save the Pearls: Chapter 6 (or, Attempted Rape is OK when White People Do It.)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: As Eden made her way to the Moon Dance, she contemplated her father’s plan to turn everyone into cat/snake/bird hybrids. Then, she fell into the clutches of some black rapist men! And honestly the whole thing reads like I imagine racist problematic rape-fantasy erotica does.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 6 (or, Attempted Rape is OK when White People Do It.)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 5 (or, And You Thought Those Other Chapters Were Bad)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden and Jamal almost fucked holograpically, but then Eden’s heart-rate was too high so they didn’t. Jamal did some shady stuff, and Eden thought about how he was totally going to marry her. Jamal invites her to the Moon Dance, and then leaves after she accepts. Finally, the FFP prank-called Eden for the lulz, I think?

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 5 (or, And You Thought Those Other Chapters Were Bad)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 3 (or, In Which Victoria Foyt Butchers Biology, Economics, Sociology, and more!)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Having been swarmed by a mob of angry black people, Eden attempts to flee, but she’s not very spatially endowed so instead of escaping from the horde, she smacked right into her sexy, beast-like boss, Ronson Bramford. Although Eden expressed severe dislike of this man, he seemed to go easier on her than she anticipated. Furthermore, we learn that Eden is in a secret relationship with the Head of Security, Jamal, and hopes that he’ll choose to “mate” with her. Ultimately, Eden was put on probation for failing at work, but otherwise emerged unharmed. Also, Jamal said that they would have a hot date!

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 3 (or, In Which Victoria Foyt Butchers Biology, Economics, Sociology, and more!)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 2 (or, Victoria Foyt’s Understanding of Racial Politics)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: We met Eden, an oppressed white “middle-aged” 17-year-old living in an underground dystopia where black people are in charge, because I guess their melanin protects them from solar radiation? Yeah, don’t think about it too much. When we left off, Eden had just been attacked by her supervisor, Ashina (or “that bitch”), and because she dared to defend herself, the legion of other scary black people are now all mad at her. And Chapter 1 is probably the least cringe-inducing that this book  gets, so strap yourself in for all manner of discomfort!

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 2 (or, Victoria Foyt’s Understanding of Racial Politics)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 1 (or, The Bad Beginning)

When I started reading this novel yesterday, I was skeptical that it would be as abjectly terrible as Handbook for Mortals. Like, I didn’t doubt that it would suck, and handle its racial elements horrendously, but I thought it would probably be a paint-by-the-numbers forbidden love thing, and that would ultimately cobble together some kind of social-jusice-y “racism is bad!” moral. Thankfully, I was wrong. This one is so much worse.

While Handbook for Mortals is amateurishly written and certainly has a lot of problematic elements, there’s an unselfconscious earnestness about it that is, in retrospect, almost endearing. It’s a beautiful mess in the way that The Room or Birdemic: Shock and Terror both are.

Save the Pearls is different. While its prose is marginally better, it also tries to be Important. Where Lani Sarem quotes the Dixie Chicks and Tumblr poets, Victoria Foyt quotes Albert Einstein and Emily Dickinson. Where Lani Sarem steers clear of anything weighty or topical, Victoria Foyt has a lot of serious stuff to say about racism, Science, Nature, Love, and even communism (!). All of it is incorrect. Read on to find how just how bad it is!

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 1 (or, The Bad Beginning)”

New sporking: Save the Pearls by Victoria Foyt

A few years ago, a novel came out and attracted some controversy. It was called Save the Pearls.

Because I haven’t actually read the novel yet, I will copy/paste the summary on the copyright page:

Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world where class and beauty are defined by resistance to an overheated environment, 17-year-old Eden, a lowly Pearl cursed with white skin, and facing death if she doesn’t mate soon, unwittingly compromises her father’s top-secret experiment and escapes to the last patch of rainforest with a beastly man who she believes is her enemy, despite her overwhelming attraction.

Is it just me, or is the verb “mate” really gross when applied to humans?

And three guesses what the race of the “beastly man” is.

Here’s a link to the book trailer, Blackface included. 

And wew, it has not aged well at all.

Casting the movie!

IwishI knew

I’m back because I couldn’t get this book out of my head. And as of now, I’ve had a couple beers, and am therefore taking this opportunity to be the casting director of Handbook for Mortals.

Zade: Early 20’s. Blonde hair dyed “a multitude of fun colors” and “perfectly cut bangs.” Pretty. Beautiful, even. Hourglass figure, but not too skinny: she does NOT have a thigh gap. Round face. 5’9″. T H I C C.

Basically, this: sarempink

But let’s be honest: Sarem is a 35-year-old woman who’s most notable role has been “Roxie” in “Trailer Park Shark.” No one in their right mind would cast a highly maligned unknown for a part in a controversial movie (unless it’s an independent art film, which, let’s be real, Handbook is not.)

No, we need a celebrity. Someone who can appeal to 20-somethings, someone who can believably portray someone around whom the world revolves, and has experience being in the middle of tedious love triangles. Someone exactly 5’9″, and slender, if not supermodel-skinny. She does NOT have a thigh gap.


For these reasons, Mischa Barton is perfect for the role. When was on The O.C, her character was a similar black hole with whom nearly every male characterwas obsessed. Furthermore, I think she could bring some darkness to Zade. She’s 31, yes, but I believe that this will allow her to also allow her to play Dela more believably, and unlike Sarem, she’s actually well known. Also, I think she could be convinced to act in Handbook, as she does plenty of smaller films these days.

Charles Spellman: As Jenny Trout pointed out, Charles is definitely based on David Copperfield:


He’s older, but still handsome, and radiates charisma. He has a thing for younger women, but we later find out that he is deeply emotionally damaged. Jenny Trout also noted Ty Burrell’s  resemblance to Copperfield. Now, this would make his an excellent candidate for the role, but I honestly think that there’s another man in Hollywood who fits the bill:


That’s right: Charlie Sheen.

Think about it. He’s been famous since the 80’s. If you think think David Copperfield is handsome, you might think Charlie Sheen is too. For all his problems, he is certainly charismatic (I think? I’ve only seen him in Wall Street). Charlie Sheen, who is 52, is dating a 26-year-old as of the writing of this post. He, like Charles Spellman, has had substance abuse issues, and I think he could really bring Spellman to life, and imbue him with some of the creepitude that makes the character even a little bit interesting.

Mac: Sandy-brownish hair, hazel eyes. At least 6 feet tall, if not more so. Muscular, but not too much. He’s intense, and hides his sensitivity with sarcasm.

Also, he’s supposed to be of an age with Thomas Ian Nichols, who is 37. Even though canonically he’s 29. So realistically he can be anywhere from 29-40.

With that in mind, I cast:


Joshua Jackson.

I’ve only seen Jackson’s work in Fringe, but that’s essentially the part he plays there. We also know that Lani Sarem loved him as Pacey in Dawson’s Creek (ThreeGeeks Interview, 17:29). And according to the Dawson’s Creek Wiki,   Mac’s characterization is also quite similar to Pacey’s.

Jackson: “Tall, dark, and Handsome.” Extraverted lady’s man, flirtatious and funny. Sings and plays guitar. Probably Zade’s age? Sparkly eyes.

Now, the obvious man for this part is Jackson Rathbone, as we are almost certain that this was who Sarem had in mind. But this cast looks awfully white, doesn’t it? Fortunately, I know an actor who has all of Jackson’s charm and charisma, is musically talented, and can make the ladies swoon with ease. This isn’t simply a diversity cast, though.

And for this one, I’m going to need to use video, because Vincent Rodriguez III is so perfect for this role.

(I finally learned how to embed youtube videos. Hooray! Also, go watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend right now because it is everything).

Now, I’m not sure if Charlie Sheen, who is an old, racist, sexist, awful white dude, would ever shape-shift into an Asian man, but there’s no way the incest sub-plot will be in the film, so that doesn’t matter.

Sofia: Sofia is “undeniably beautiful.” That’s pretty much all the physical description we get of her. She’s defensive and insecure, though, and opens up to Zade the minute Zade reaches out. She also has a beautiufl singing voice. For this role, we need someone who can play mean, but also vulnerable. I also get the feeling that she has dark hair, on account of Zade being blonde.

This one has honestly stumped me. My first instinct was Megan Fox, but I don’t know if she can sing. I thought about Demi Lovato, but I feel like Sofia’s meant to be quite short and stick thin (so that Zade’s tallness and relative curviness can be portrayed as superior).

But who’s an actress-turned-powerhouse-vocalist who’s incredibly petite, a sex symbol to thousands of men (despite her arguably childlike appearance), and is known for being a bit of a diva?


Ariana Grande. Now, I’m skepical as to whether she would sign on for this nothing movie, but these are reach goals.

Mel: Due to the ambiguous number of Mels, there has been some speculation that Scary Spice and Sporty Spice both work on the Charles Spellman Show. However, I’m pretty sure there’s only one Mel. Like Sofia, though, Mel’s only physical description is “hot.” And her only other characterization is that she’s a mean, sexually liberated woman.Also, as commenter DoveCG has pointed out,  it could be that the unnamed redheaded woman described in Chapter 2 is Mel, I’ll assume she’s a redhead. And so, I cast Bella Thorne as Mel


She’s known as something of a wild child, and has already played a mean girl role in The DUFF (a film that was also based on a really shitty novel).

Zeb: All we know of Zeb is that he’s about Charles’ age and has red hair, and that Zade thinks he’s sinister to the point that he even looks evil. Since Zeb is easily one of the most interesting characters I think it’s important that we get an actor who’s really compelling.

In short, I think that  Jackie Earle Haley is the man for this role. Just put him back into his Watchman outfit, and let him glower around the set as much as he wants:


He’s perfect.


I would say Philip Haldiman, the actor who played Denny in the Room:


But no. This is him now:


So I’m actually going to cast him as Drew. But also, I think we can probably just edit in clips of Denny circa 2003, because I don’t think there’s anyone better for the role.

That’s all I’ve got for tonight.

Oh, and obviously Thomas Ian Nichols plays Tad.