Save the Pearls: Chapter 13 (or, Chimney-Sweep Chic)

Previously, on Save the Peals: Eden whined about how her dad doesn’t love her, and whined about Bramford taking her cell-phone earing, and whined about how sexy he was, and whined and whined and whined.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 12 (or, Sex, Drugs, and A Goddamn Nerd)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden, Bramford, and Dr. Dad escaped on an airplane. then they escape on another airplane at Mach 20! Eden thinks Bramford is a major fucking hottie, but also thinks about how he’ll be rejected from society due to his new catface? Then she went on an Oxy bender. Yeah, it’s kind of all over the place.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 11 (Or, A Compelling Case for Bestiality)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: In the span of one minute and thirty seconds, Bramford and Eden scared off the FFP, evacuated the lab, got on Bramford’s airplane, and took off. Then the lab exploded, and Eden was sad about her dog probably dying in the explosion.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 10 (Or, Alpha Male Pwns Beta Leftists)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Captured by Jamal and his FFP communist/terrorist/racist pals, Eden had to think fast to fuck up their plans. Her solution? Burn fucking everything. While this allowed her to escape, the FFP caught up to her. When all was lost, Bramford completed his transition to being a literal cat man, and Eden was totally into it.

Oh, and even though this chapter doesn’t escalate the rascism past what we’ve seen, it still manages to be the worst chapter yet!

Save the Pearls: Chapter 9 (or, Catman Begins)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After the original test subjects went missing, Bramford volunteered to be turned into a CatBoy. Eden ran off to find Jamal, only to discover that he was actually a communist revolutionary/terrorist who literally wore a beret “at a jaunty angle”. He revealed his evil plot to take the Animorph tech for himself, and Eden felt betrayed.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 7 (or, The Chapter I Accidentally Skipped And Didn’t Even Notice Because It Made No Difference)

So, you’re probably  thinking, wait, didn’t you already review chapter 7? The answer is no, I did not. The “what about the alt-left” chapter is actually chapter 8, and I somehow skipped over chapter 7 entirely. This is the real chapter 7.  

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being captured by two scary members of the FFP, Eden is taken to the Moon Dance, where she almost raped twice! Though she briefly escapes, she is recaptured, but just when she loses all hope of rescue, her boss Bramford appears to save her. He says some Edward Cullen/Christian Grey-type stuff, and then they leave.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 8(or, What About The Alt-Left?)

EDIT: I originally thought that this was chapter  7, but it turns out that I skipped an entire chapter, so this is actually chapter 8. Oops.

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being captured by two scary members of the FFP, Eden is taken to the Moon Dance, where she almost raped twice! Though she briefly escapes, she is recaptured, but just when she loses all hope of rescue, her boss Bramford appears to save her. He says some Edward Cullen/Christian Grey-type stuff, and then they return to her father’s lab.

 

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden and Bramford flew on an airplane back to the lab. We learned there’s an Important Fire going on on the surface! That was it.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 6 (or, Attempted Rape is OK when White People Do It.)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: As Eden made her way to the Moon Dance, she contemplated her father’s plan to turn everyone into cat/snake/bird hybrids. Then, she fell into the clutches of some black rapist men! And honestly the whole thing reads like I imagine racist problematic rape-fantasy erotica does.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 5 (or, And You Thought Those Other Chapters Were Bad)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden and Jamal almost fucked holograpically, but then Eden’s heart-rate was too high so they didn’t. Jamal did some shady stuff, and Eden thought about how he was totally going to marry her. Jamal invites her to the Moon Dance, and then leaves after she accepts. Finally, the FFP prank-called Eden for the lulz, I think?

Save the Pearls: Chapter 4 (or, Chapter 3, Part 2)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden returned to her apartment, and was alerted to the fact that unless she gets married within six months, she’ll get killed off. Then, she prepares for her date with Jamal, which was essentially a racist makeover montage.