Previously, on Save the Pearls: After the original test subjects went missing, Bramford volunteered to be turned into a CatBoy. Eden ran off to find Jamal, only to discover that he was actually a communist revolutionary/terrorist who literally wore a beret “at a jaunty angle”. He revealed his evil plot to take the Animorph tech for himself, and Eden felt betrayed.
So, you’re probably thinking, wait, didn’t you already review chapter 7? The answer is no, I did not. The “what about the alt-left” chapter is actually chapter 8, and I somehow skipped over chapter 7 entirely. This is the real chapter 7.
Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being captured by two scary members of the FFP, Eden is taken to the Moon Dance, where she almost raped twice! Though she briefly escapes, she is recaptured, but just when she loses all hope of rescue, her boss Bramford appears to save her. He says some Edward Cullen/Christian Grey-type stuff, and then they leave. Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 7 (or, The Chapter I Accidentally Skipped And Didn’t Even Notice Because It Made No Difference)”
Previously, on Save the Pearls: As Eden made her way to the Moon Dance, she contemplated her father’s plan to turn everyone into cat/snake/bird hybrids. Then, she fell into the clutches of some black rapist men! And honestly the whole thing reads like I imagine racist problematic rape-fantasy erotica does.
Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden returned to her apartment, and was alerted to the fact that unless she gets married within six months, she’ll get killed off. Then, she prepares for her date with Jamal, which was essentially a racist makeover montage.
Previously, on Save the Pearls: We met Eden, an oppressed white “middle-aged” 17-year-old living in an underground dystopia where black people are in charge, because I guess their melanin protects them from solar radiation? Yeah, don’t think about it too much. When we left off, Eden had just been attacked by her supervisor, Ashina (or “that bitch”), and because she dared to defend herself, the legion of other scary black people are now all mad at her. And Chapter 1 is probably the least cringe-inducing that this book gets, so strap yourself in for all manner of discomfort!
When I started reading this novel yesterday, I was skeptical that it would be as abjectly terrible as Handbook for Mortals. Like, I didn’t doubt that it would suck, and handle its racial elements horrendously, but I thought it would probably be a paint-by-the-numbers forbidden love thing, and that would ultimately cobble together some kind of social-jusice-y “racism is bad!” moral. Thankfully, I was wrong. This one is so much worse.
While Handbook for Mortals is amateurishly written and certainly has a lot of problematic elements, there’s an unselfconscious earnestness about it that is, in retrospect, almost endearing. It’s a beautiful mess in the way that The Room or Birdemic: Shock and Terror both are.
Save the Pearls is different. While its prose is marginally better, it also tries to be Important. Where Lani Sarem quotes the Dixie Chicks and Tumblr poets, Victoria Foyt quotes Albert Einstein and Emily Dickinson. Where Lani Sarem steers clear of anything weighty or topical, Victoria Foyt has a lot of serious stuff to say about racism, Science, Nature, Love, and even communism (!). All of it is incorrect. Read on to find how just how bad it is!
A few years ago, a novel came out and attracted some controversy. It was called Save the Pearls.
Because I haven’t actually read the novel yet, I will copy/paste the summary on the copyright page:
Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world where class and beauty are defined by resistance to an overheated environment, 17-year-old Eden, a lowly Pearl cursed with white skin, and facing death if she doesn’t mate soon, unwittingly compromises her father’s top-secret experiment and escapes to the last patch of rainforest with a beastly man who she believes is her enemy, despite her overwhelming attraction.
Is it just me, or is the verb “mate” really gross when applied to humans?
And three guesses what the race of the “beastly man” is.
And wew, it has not aged well at all.
Disclaimer: I know nothing about tarot. For this section, all tarot information comes from learntarot.com.
In this section, I am going to lay out everything weird about Jackson. Then, I will see if assuming that Charles is Jackson makes any of this make more sense.
Until act 3, Charles makes very few appearances. In this theory, Charles stops actively wanting to bang Zade as soon as he reconciles with Dela, and since there are only a few instances where Charles appears prior to his trip to Tennessee, there aren’t too many moments that show anything inappropriate between Charles and his daughter. But they are there (if you squint). While it’s possible to read all of this as simply a father and daughter reconnecting, that’s certainly not the only way to read it.