Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden and Jamal almost fucked holograpically, but then Eden’s heart-rate was too high so they didn’t. Jamal did some shady stuff, and Eden thought about how he was totally going to marry her. Jamal invites her to the Moon Dance, and then leaves after she accepts. Finally, the FFP prank-called Eden for the lulz, I think?
Previously, on Save the Pearls: Having been swarmed by a mob of angry black people, Eden attempts to flee, but she’s not very spatially endowed so instead of escaping from the horde, she smacked right into her sexy, beast-like boss, Ronson Bramford. Although Eden expressed severe dislike of this man, he seemed to go easier on her than she anticipated. Furthermore, we learn that Eden is in a secret relationship with the Head of Security, Jamal, and hopes that he’ll choose to “mate” with her. Ultimately, Eden was put on probation for failing at work, but otherwise emerged unharmed. Also, Jamal said that they would have a hot date!
A few years ago, a novel came out and attracted some controversy. It was called Save the Pearls.
Because I haven’t actually read the novel yet, I will copy/paste the summary on the copyright page:
Summary: In a post-apocalyptic world where class and beauty are defined by resistance to an overheated environment, 17-year-old Eden, a lowly Pearl cursed with white skin, and facing death if she doesn’t mate soon, unwittingly compromises her father’s top-secret experiment and escapes to the last patch of rainforest with a beastly man who she believes is her enemy, despite her overwhelming attraction.
Is it just me, or is the verb “mate” really gross when applied to humans?
And three guesses what the race of the “beastly man” is.
And wew, it has not aged well at all.
Well, this is it, folks. The final chapter of Handbook for Mortals: Book 1 of the series is upon us, and it is literally three and a half pages long.
Fortunately, we get a teaser chapter that picks up precisely where this one leaves off, so I’ll do them together. Lol no, sorry, real life stuff got in the way and I wanted to get what I’ve written up today, so the excellent teaser chapter which features a prophecy, implies that Zade is the Chosen One, and is more than a little bit transphobic will be up tomorrow/later tonight(?) After those, though, I’m planning to do some post-mortem essays/analyses/predictions for Book 2 of the series over the next week or so, so check for those if you want.
But, without further ado:
Previously, on Handbook for Mortals: The time finally came for Mac to perform the resurrection ritual, which consisted of tying Zade to a stone table, anointing her with “dragon’s blood,” chanting in what is either Bosnian or Croatian (and, of course some Latin (?)), and stabbing her through the heart with a magical dagger, all while a lightning storm raged around them. After some more hours, Zade regained consciousness and everyone felt lots of things.
This is the penultimate chapter, everyone! And it’s short!
Previously on Handbook for Mortals: Dela detailed the meeting between herself and Charles in the 1970’s, and boy did things get sexist! That’s literally it.
And before we start, I am once again splitting this one up into two parts. While it’s not as long as chapter 15,
this first half is a slog. EDIT! IT’S ALL A SLOG! By which I mean it’s not laughably bad, for the most part, but it’s still a long way from being outright good.
Now, you might have thought that the end of Dela and Charles’ meeting might have been the natural conclusion to that story. But nope! It turns out that the only reason Dela stopped there was because Mac finished his iced tea (which, we’re told, was served in a mason jar!) and made a loud slurpy sound. This prompts Dela to offer him more, which brings Mac back to reality after being deeply absorbed in the riveting, totally relevant story. After accepting, Mac thinks about how enlightening Dela’s story was–in regards to Charles’ history.
Previously, on Handbook for Motals: After Zade’s trick goes catastrophically wrong and she ends up unconscious, she’s hospitalized in the “ICU Unit”. Mac and Charles go with her. There’s tension between the two until it it revealed that Charles is actually Zade’s father! Zade’s mother calls, and tells Charles that the only way to save Zade’s life is by bringing her back to Tennessee. After convincing the doctor to let him sign Zade out, Charles gets Mac on board with the plan and they take off. Also, Zade knows all of this because she “pulls people’s memories”. Yeah.
As Chapter 16 opens, we’re told that Mac is alarmed about Charles’ statement about needing him in Tennessee. Thankfully, everything that happens between the ending scene of Chapter fifteen and landing in Tennessee is summarized. But as soon as we land in Tennessee (which happens around dawn), the unnecessary level of detail returns.
Previously, on Handbook for Mortals: Zade and Charles did their brand new magic act, using magic that is emphatically “strong and volatile.” Midway through, Zade starts feeling ill. While she’s able to pull through and be perfect (Black Swan style) she collapses as soon as it’s over. Zeb possibly casts a spell, and Riley calls 911. Before losing consciousness, Zade’s only request is that her mother is called.
So, I bet you’re thinking that it’s going to be third-person italics until Zade wakes up, right? Or maybe you’re thinking that we’ll jump straight to her waking up and continue from there. Neither of those happen. Instead, we still get to be narrated to by Zade in first person, although Lani Sarem finds a, um, creative way to get around little inconveniences like an unconscious narrator.
Previously, on Handbook for Mortals: Zade and Mac canoodled during rehearsal, and Charles saw, which prompted a discussion between Mac and Charles about if Mac loved Zade. While on a walk with Mac, Zade punished a reckless bicyclist by crashing his bike. Then, she and Mac argued about the merits of tarot cards. Finally, Zade and Jackson went to see
Deadpool a funny Ryan Reynolds superhero movie, and it is revealed that Jackson feels more open to tarot cards than Mac does.
Also, I’m going to add a content notice for domestic violence? Mac gets a little bit abusive in this one.
Previously, on Handbook for Mortals: Zeb cryptically told Zade that she needed to take something more seriously, and Zade didn’t bother to get him to clarify. Zade continued to make friends when she heard Sofia singing. Mac and Zade took a walk through the park, which ended in romantic tickling and a kiss. The next day, Zade literally ran into Jackson, who hit on her, and a random little girl recognized Zade and told her how amazing she was. Jesus Christ, Act Two drags.
Yet again, we open with a statement about multiple weeks having passed since the previous chapter’s end. Life has been going well for Zade, but she hints that things may soon take a turn for the worse: