Save the Pearls: Chapter 21 (Or, Is Eden actually a psychopath?)

Previously on Save the Pearls: Eden was released from her Prison Hut by Lorenzo, after insulting his culture’s cuisine. She was then escorted to her dad’s new lab, where he and Bramford were discussing the permanence of Bramford’s transition. Since Bramford cannot reverse his cat-hood, he wishes to lose his humanity altogether and become a fully cat/snake/birdguy.

The chapter opens as Eden is hears an extremely loud screech, and she worries that the FFP have chased them down. Bramford starts to . . . go Super Saiyan?

She watched in amazement as Bramford’s body began to pulse. His eyes flared and the predator in him sprang to life.


Bramford leaps out of the building, and catmans off into the jungle. Eden “goes weak in the knees” at this display of raw power and jaguariness. (BEAST count: 23).

Eden’s dad limps over, and informs us that the screeching is just a howler monkey (and of course he has to work the howler monkey’s scientific name into this, because that’s what biologists do?) and tells us that they’re the loudest land animal in the world. Eden, being Eden, simply complains that it’s giving her a headache. Dr. Dad says he thinks that Bramford’s catching it for dinner.

Again, a big cat’s growl pierced the air, followed by a painful squeal. Eden quivered as she pictured Bramford, lusty for the kill, ripping into the howler.

OK, so I know I’ve been lowkey kink shaming Victoria Foyt for the majority of this readthrough, but, like, I hope I’ve made it clear that it’s the racial fetishization and the heavy eroticization of interpersonal violence in a novel aimed at teenagers that I really have a problem with.

But now I’m wondering: is Eden supposed to be legitimately psychopathic? I don’t mean that as a slur. Eden is literally being turned on by the thought of someone violently killing an animal. I am officially kink shaming. Who the fuck writes stuff like this and attaches their actual name to it?  (oh also BEAST count: 24)

But anyway, Eden’s dad is proud of his creation, and says “that’s my boy.” I hope he isn’t getting turned on by this too, but I no longer am going to give Foyt the benefit of the doubt.

But then Dr. Dad notices that Eden isn’t wearing any Blackface, and scolds her. Eden tells him that it washed off in the river, and then her dad scolds her some more and tells her it’s a good thing Bramford was there to save her. In response to this, Eden thinks,

Yeah, lucky me.

And I honestly don’t know if I’m supposed to read that as sarcastic or not. Flip a coin. It doesn’t matter.

But now we transition into another little flashback from when Eden was little. She remembers seeing her mother and father dancing to a “forbidden” jazzy song praising an attractive white woman. Eden remembers her father complimenting on how pretty her mother’s blue eyes were. She also remembers that they weren’t wearing blackface, which they made her promise to keep a secret.

Then the flashback is over. Eden gets angry, and asks her father why he messed with nature:

“Mother was right. [. . .] It was wrong to twist Bramford into this savage creature.” Who’s so exciting and yet, so infuriating.

I’m guessing that last bit was added so that the audience is reassured that Eden isn’t actually judging Bramford too hard.

Eden and her dad argue about what her mother thought about Dr. Dad’s work, which of course ends with Eden in tears. She charges out of the Lab-hut, runs through the village, and throws herself into the town’s “watering hole.” While she wallows, she thinks about Bramford and how he seemed to truly “see” her, and how nice he was to cuddle with, etc. Then of course she has to list some animals and their scientific names, and I swear to fucking god this scene happens every chapter. Finally, she flips back to being giddy, as she splashes some water on her face.

At this point, Bramford has returned with dinner. Eden hides behind a tree as she watches him, and thinks he looks smugger and more confident than ever. She thinks derisively that he didn’t need any more arrogance, but also that she wants him more than ever.

As Eden approaches him, he pointedly does not look at her. This, apparently, warrants some abuse:

For Earth’s sake, why didn’t the beast look at her? Shaking, Eden raised a hand to slap him.

Why?!?!?! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Does she need some more opiate-withdrawal-relieving acai berries or something?

Bramford turns towards Eden before she can slap him, though, and she drops her arm. Then he tells her that the monkey is not ready to be eaten.

Eden wrinkled her nose. “I won’t eat that,” she said, aiming to hurt him with her words. “I’m not an animal.”

Good. I hope she starves to death.

Bramford feels similarly, telling her that if she were an animal, she’d be less trouble. Which is true.

She swept past him with a frustrated huff. Pins and needles stabbed her chest. She could barely see through her anger. She slipped on a pile of Brazil nuts and fell onto a log.

At this point, I’m not even sure if Foyt herself likes Eden. Bramford “smirks” at her misfortune, which I really cannot blame him for. Eden’s father also shows up, and gives her a judgey look as well.

While Eden is still lying on the ground (I think?) she notices that Maria and Lorenzo seem to be close:

Eden understood they were mates, although neither wore a white mark on their foreheads. Of course, with no pressure to mate, why bother marking one’s status?

  1. Does it occur to Eden that such a display of being taken will vary between cultures, and therefore she has no idea if the two are somehow signalling their hypothetical commitment?
  2. What does “pressure to mate” have to do with such displays? Wouldn’t it make more sense to say “in a community where everyone knows everyone else and their relationship status, wouldn’t signalling information like that be redundant?”
  3. I really don’t know what deep observation about the flaws of today’s society Foyt thinks she’s making. Is she saying that there’s too much pressure on people to get married? I really don’t get it.

Eden also noticed a peculiar glow that the couple shared. Could it possibly be evidence of love? Perhaps, she thought with growing excitement, remnants of it still existed in this untainted corner of the world.

And can we just take a moment to remember how fucking infatuated Eden was with Jamal back in the earlier chapters? She called him her “Dark Prince.” She thought romantic thoughts about how he could see the “real Eden.” If Foyt wanted Eden to be such a love-skeptic, shouldn’t Eden only been focused on Jamal’s utility rather than having her get all giddy over him whenever she saw him? This whole “what are these strange feelings” theme is rendered completely null and void by the fact that we already know that Eden knows she’s capable of these feelings. It’s stupid.

And as Eden is still maybe on the ground from her nut accident, she also watches some little girls playing. Lorenzo tells her that they’re his daughters, and Eden is shocked that they have multiple children.

Then, another Huaorani dude, who is introduced as Lorenzo’s brother Charlie, arrives on the scene. . .and he’s carrying Eden’s lost backpack! She desperately hopes that the LIfe Band is still in there, and Charlie sits down next to her.

Then Eden sees a woman breastfeeding a child, and is repulsed:

Eden couldn’t stand the emotions any longer. The soft looks between the couples, the nakedness, and the girls’ relentless laughter–it was all too much. Dizzy, she lurched towards the girls.

The girls start screaming about Rebecca again, and as Maria scolds them, Charlie tries to distract them with the backpack. They run away to a hut, and Charlie sets the backpack down. Eden tries to grab it, but then I guess the girls are back? Because they grab it instead.

I hope they lead her to a cliff and she falls to her death.

But that doesn’t happen: the girls must have grabbed a wooden carving in the three seconds they were gone, because one of them gives a small carving to Charlie.

Dr. Dad explains that this is a Huaorani custom: a gift for a gift. Eden wonders who did the carving, and thinks out loud that there must be someone in that particular hut. Bramford tells her that she shouldn’t think about it, but of course this has the opposite effect.

Now Eden was sure someone or something hid there. If she discovered the truth, she might gain leverage over him. Her legs worked like pistons as she hurried towards it.

She keeps running, and calls out for Rebecca, thinking she must be in the hut. Bramford chases her, and as he grabs her, she passes out.

And that’s the end of this pointless chapter

Save the Pearls: Chapter 20 (Or, Never go full BEAST MODE)


Previously, on Save the Peals: Eden and Bramford arrived at a Huaorani village. When two young Huaorani girls saw Eden, they repeated the name “Rebecca” way too many times, prompting Eden to ask Bramford WTF they’re talking about. After escalating to accusations of violence, Bramford throws Eden into a dilapidated prison hut. Eden decides that she will remain calm and collected in an attempt to “tame him”.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 20 (Or, Never go full BEAST MODE)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 19 (Or, El Tigre es bienvenido a esta casa)

Previously on Save the Pearls: Eden rode on Bramford’s shoulders while he ran back to his Huaorani friends. Nothing happened except more awkward eroticism and hostility between our leads.

So Chapter 19 begins a few hours after where chapter 18 left off. Eden is super tired. But not too tired to recall the obscure scientific names of jungle-dwelling fauna, as she hears the call of the great tinamou, or Tinamus Major:

It was a nocturnal bird, which meant twenty-four hours had passed since she had left home.

Good god. First, I’d like to point out that Eden could have been able to tell that it was nearing sundown by the fact that the sun would be going down, thus altering the light and everything. Second, it’s been only 24 hours? Eden says that it feels more like a lifetime, and I have to agree. Maybe it’s because I took a couple month-long hiatuses (hiati?) but it does feel like it should have been more than that.

But fortunately for Eden, she and Bramford appear to be approaching a settlement, because he finds a small path. This leads to a small clearing, and Eden is able to witness her first sunset. She waxes poetic about how it’s beautiful, and it makes her feel “humbled by its perfection, though not in a submissive way”?

Because if something so beautiful existed in the world, the maybe some part of her also held such beauty

I’d talk about how that makes no sense, but Eden’s delirious so whatever. I’ll let her have this one.

But then, a “young Indian woman” appears! Eden is delighted, thinks that it’s a “lucky coincidence,” and hopes that she’ll get some water and food soon.

The woman greets them by saying “hola.” If you’ll remember, this Amazonian tribe speaks Spanish fluently.

Hola, Maria,” Bramford replied.”

So not only do they speak Spanish; they also have Spanish names! The most stereotypical Spanish names possible!

Maria wore the distinctive bowl-shaped haircut of the Huaorani. A strip of bark-like cloth hung around her wide hips. Her headdress of bright feathers and yellow Oncidium orchids seemed to contrast with her plain voice and mild demeanor.

I don’t know what the fuck the Huaorani wear, but I feel like if they’re speaking Spanish and giving their kids Spanish names, they’re probably not wearing traditional headresses and “bark-like” cloth.

“El Tigre es bienvenido a esta casa”

Which means “The Tiger is welcome in our house” if you don’t know literally any Spanish and don’t feel like googling. Again, if you recall, the Huaorani think that Bramford is the long-awaited Jaguar Man of Aztec legend (none of which makes any sense at all). Bramford thanks her, but then Maria looks uncomfortable when she sees Eden.

If you’ve been missing a plot, well, now we kind of get one! Eden thinks it’s because she’s not wearing her Blackface makeup. But as Maria leads her and Bramford through a gate and onto a “orderly compound”, Bramford begins to  head towards the largest hut.

So Bramford has been here before. Eden thinks he seems familiar with the compound, and is amazed that he hasn’t slapped his name on everything. Eden surveys the rest of the huts: one has no door that she can see, and another looks run-down and overgrown with weeds. She wonders if it’s a prison, and gets all anxious.

But then two little girls (“naked, but for the flowers in their hair”) run out to greet them. A parrot flies after them, and Eden is shocked that it might be a pet. They say hi to Bramford, who says hi back, and then Maria tells them that he’s El Tigre. This excites them.

But then the girls see Eden, and the plot thickens:

“Rebecca,” the older one said, the color draining from her face.


Oh, and Eden is still on Bramford’s shoulders at this point. She feels him get tense.

The little girls say “Rebecca” again, and Eden wonders what it could mean.

Did they mean her? Was it the native name for some white-skinned animal? Whatever the reason, Eden understood that she terrified them. Not beastly Bramford. Just the ugly Pearl.

Because *everything* is about race with Eden. I get that she’s been an oppressed underclass all her life, but jesus fuck, she can’t go a pages without saying something self-loathing.

The girls say “Rebecca!” over and over, which agitates Bramford. He starts shaking, and then roars. He drops Eden into a vegetable garden. Maria tells off the kids is “a dialect Eden didn’t recognize” which I guess means the Huaorani language *is* a thing that exists in this book? Whatever. The girls keep saying Rebecca, and the parrot squacks, and Bramford keeps roaring.

Eden asks Bramford who Rebecca is. Bramford crouches menacingly, and glares.

The name had struck a neve in him. If she said it again, he might make her pay. He might grab her with those big, rough hands and pin her down.

Wow. It sure sounds like that’s something she’d like to avoid.

But Eden “can’t help herself.”

“For Earth’s sake, Bramford. What did you do to this Rebecca to make the children so afraid?”

Could she possibly ask who Rebecca is in a more inflammatory way? Does Victoria Foyt seriously think that Eden is remotely sympathetic? Who writes this?

“Just as she feared”, Bramford jumps on her, and while you might think this would make her happy, she is not! Instead, she screams in terror. Bramford throws her over his shoulder, and then runs towards the “prison hut”. Eden screams that he can’t do this to her, and Bramford says oh yes he can.  Eden starts hitting Bramford, and says more provocative things:

“Is this where you lock up your victims? You’re an animal, Bramford.”

And, I mean, Bramford hasn’t exactly been the most gentle tour guide, but christ, Eden does not understand de-escalation at all.

Bramford tells her that she’s done enough, and pushes her into the hut. First, though, he throws “a handful of nuts and berries on the floor.” So I guess he was stealthily harvesting them as they ran, or something. I don’t know.

Oh and as an aside, the “prison hut” is supposed to be worn down and overgrown. Wouldn’t you want your holding cell to be well-maintained? God dammit.

But its condition must be good enough, because Bramford locks her into the hut, leaving her to cry for help. Meanwhile, the little girls are still calling out “Rebecca!” over and over.

Just like at the lab, Bramford had confined her to her quarters.

In case you’ve forgotten what Eden’s talking about here, she’s referencing that time she got put on probation at work and was officially not allowed out. If you recall, it was later revealed that Bramford had suspended her for her own good, as she was supposed to be safe at her apartment while FFP drama was going down at the lab. In-book, this took place literally a little bit more than a day ago, so Eden’s memory is actually the worst.

Anyway, Eden keeps thinking about how Bramford’s the beast and how he should be the one locked up, and then she starts to cry for the first time ever. We’re told that even when her mom died she didn’t cry, because she had her Oxy. But then she thinks about how her mom knew about how evil Big Pharma is, and recalls how on her deathbed, her mother refused the Oxy-drip.

We learn that her dying mother’s tears had “embarassed” Eden (isn’t she a peach!). Eden remembers how her father “hadn’t hid his displeasure,” and spent all his time in the lab. I’d like to point out that it’s a completely valid reading to assume that her father was displeased because his wife was dying, and spent his time at the lab trying to discover a cure, but this never occurs to Eden. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to believe her interpretation or not.

We’re still in flashback mode, as Eden remembers her mother smiling despite the pain, and explain how she had hope for the afterlife. Eden’s response was this:

Years earlier, Eden had undergone the mandatory death experience and knew to expect only a calm black void..

Mandatory death experience. If you don’t believe in any sort of afterlife, I’d like to point out that “death experience” is a contradiction, because being dead would be the end of experience, rather than “a calm black void.”

But Eden’s mom is feeling hopeful and expresses it via, you guessed it, an Emily Dickinson poem!

‘Hope is the ting with feathers/ That perches in the soul, /And sings the tune without the words, / And never stops at all.’

Eden doesn’t get it:

Nonsense, Eden now thought, brushing away her tears. For example, to which species of bird did Aunt Emily refer?

*makes CinemaSins ding noise*

OK, so I honestly can’t tell if Eden’s just being stupid on purpose, or if she legitimately doesn’t understand poetry. I’m inclined to assume the former, since she seems to really like most of Emily Dickinson’s poetry to the point where she’s memorized it and uses it to understand her world. So is this supposed to just be a situational rejection of “Aunt Emily?” I’m really confused.

But then Eden starts thinking about Bramford and how sexy he is. She wants him to touch her again, and wants to hear his “sensual purring”.

Could a little bird called hope possibly sing for her?

It’s such a shitty, saccharine line, but if it means that Eden will be less intolerable, I’ll fucking take it. So let’s take bets: will Eden become less antagonistic about towards the people around her? Will she try to be more positive, and make an effort to get along with Bramford better? It sure seems like she wants to make a change somehow.

Also, she realizes that Bramford has magnanimously left her some food, which I assume is the “handful of nuts and berries” he threw on the floor at her a few pages ago.

It suggested that his mind was still more powerful than his raw emotions.

Umm, OK? I would say that it suggests that he’s, you know, still aware that she’s gonna need to eat, but come on. He didn’t exactly pack her a nice little balanced lunch. It seems like he gets pretty emotional, what with the pinning Eden to the ground and throwing her in the Time-Out-Shack.

But for some reason, this makes Eden think that she can use Logic and Reason ™ to “tame the primative creature”.

No matter how wild he became, she would remain cool and objective. She wouldn’t give in to the base emotions that threatened to swamp her logic.

As much as I would love for Eden to experience some character growth, I can say with certainty that the odds that she follows through on this are precisely zero.

And that’s the end of the chapter!


Save the Pearls: Chapter 18 (or, More of the same)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being swept away from camp by a river, Eden and Bramford snuggled, then insulted each other, and then Bramford put Eden on his shoulders so she could ride him back to the rest of their party.

So the chapter opens with Eden still perched on top of Bramford:

The mysterious maze of the jungle swallowed Eden into its dark, forbidding folds. Like craggy monsters, an army of trees reached for her.

Which is predictable, since, you know, she is sitting on the shoulders of a hulking 6+ foot tall Catman.

So Eden is all disoriented, but she thinks about how Bramford will protect her since he’s a “mighty predator”, and that makes her feel better. But then she worries out loud that the Huaorani will leave without them, or something. Bramford tells her to STFU because he’s trying to navigate, and she’s surprised he doesn’t know the way back exactly. When she expresses this, Bramford replies like this:

“Shhh!” He pinched her thigh.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be the equivalent of the Dog Whisperer’s “Tsch!” or a kinky barely-restrained bit of corporal punishment. Eden yelps in pain, though, and Bramford yells at her to be quiet!

Eden stared at the large hand that gripped her legs and fumed. Some predator.

And this just adds to my confusion. Was the aggressive pinch supposed to be weaksauce or a show of manly dominance? Because it really sounds like Eden is unimpressed.

But Bramford’s pinching game increases after Eden gets some cobwebs stuck in her hair and screams:

Each time she made a noise, Bramford squeezed her again. In return, she groaned. From despair or pleasure, she couldn’t say.

This is seriously the worst road trip game ever.

I guess Eden stops whining though, because next we get a few paragraphs of imagery. Now that Eden’s eyes have adjusted to the dark of the jungle, she sees all sorts of things, including:

Masses of sensuous orchids wrapped their spindly roots around tree trunks. Their passionate colors and exotic smells amazed her.

So, um, yeah. The jungle itself is a virile symbol of fucking.

She also sees some monkeys, and wonders if they’re judging her for being white.

Nothing continues to happen: Eden thinks about how steamy the jungle is (compared to the dry heat of the underground tunnels), and gets all sweaty. As she gets thirsty, Bramford hands her the water gourd, which I think is supposed to show how intuitively connected they are.

At each mysterious croak from the dark recesses, Eden pressed her knees tight against Bramford’s neck. Her fears drove her to cling to him. To her delight, a soft, low murmur rumbled through him. It washed over her, calming her anxiety and yet, arousing her desire.

This is clearly supposed to be hot. If you think it’s hot, well, you do you. But let’s remember that Bramford is charging through the jungle at top-speed, and Eden is SQUEEZING HIS NECK WITH HER THIGHS. It just sounds distracting, and a little bit dangerous. It’s just not the time or place for erotic asphyxiaation.

So then Eden’s all like “why am I feeling this way?” and thinks Bramford is “as mysterious as this jungle.” And she angsts about how can she ever trust anyone again after Jamal’s betrayal?

Some parrots take off, and Eden worries that there’s something lurking nearby. Bramford sniffs the air, and tells her that there’s a storm coming. Eden asks how he knows, and Bramford tells her that the jungle has quieted down and that the temperature has dropped. Then he condescendingly asks Eden if she can feel it. Eden says that she’s not getting data anymore (as she no longer has her life-band).  Bramford’s response to this is really bizarre:

“Before you would have noticed the signs.” [ . . .] “About a million years ago, when you looked something like me.”

  1. First, I just love how Bramford seems to have forgotten that like two days ago, he was also a lowly human living in an underground dystopia city.
  2.  Does Bramford think humans evolved from panther/snake/eagle hybrids?
  3. And  Bramford doesn’t even need to go back a million years to find a time when humans would have been more attuned to nature. I feel like his Huaorani pals would probably be similarly aware of environmental changes, and they’re modern humans.

Eden asks Bramford what he means:

“Like you?”

Even uglier than now? And yet, Bramford wasn’t ugly, was he? He was raw and sexy. Maybe she wouldn’t have looked so bad.

Eden 1mil BC.jpg


Bramford affirms Eden’s inner monologue:

“I bet you would have been one hell of a she-cat.”

Does Victoria Foyt not realize that humans didn’t evolve from jungle cats?

So some lightening flashes overhead, and some thunder rumbles. Eden gets freaked out, which is understandable, when you consider that she’s lived underground for her entire life and has therefore never had to deal with weather.

But no, it’s not the weather itself that’s freaking Eden out:

The lack of weather alerts from her sensors unnerved her.

Did she get weather alerts while living underground? Why? Did the author think literally anything through before typing it out?

So Bramford laughs, and Eden again laments the loss of her Life-Band. Bramford tells her that if she just watches and listens, she won’t need a Life-Band, and that her “basic instincts” can tell her everything she needs to know.

Because reading environmental cues is instinctive, and not learned, or anything.  If you hadn’t noticed, there’s a very strong Noble Savage/anti-technology thing going on in this novel that only gets worse from here.

Eden thinks that Bramford’s  brand-new genome might be giving him a leg up on perceiving small changes in the environment (which, I don’t think she’s wrong there). And then for some reason, she thinks about how Emily Dickinson was a shut-in, which reminds her of a poem:

To make a prairie it takes a clover

and one bee,—

One clover, and a bee,

And revery.

The revery alone will do

If bees are few.

But, Eden tells us, she doesn’t have a very good imagination because of all the Oxy she’s been doing her whole life.

Yeah, I don’t get what any of that has to do with noticing subtle environmental signs.

But Eden starts brainstorming (for some reason), and imagines herself and Bramford as a “half-natural-Pearl, half-beastly-Coal” centaur. This makes her laugh. Bramford asks her what’s funny, and she tells him that he would never understand. Because I guess rich, cultured Black people don’t know standard mythological creatures in this universe?

But so even though Eden tells Bramford that he wouldn’t understand, I guess he actually was supposed to beg her to enlighten him as to what was so funny:

He didn’t even pry. The selfish beast simply dropped the subject and ignored her.

How rude, I guess? You know that if he had asked her to explain what a centaur is, Eden would have complained about how pushy and obnoxious he is.

Eden fumes about how they’re nothing alike at all, but then it begins to rain. This cools her off, but also gives us this unfortunate line:

Soon, her perch grew wet. Bramford caught her waist as soon as she began to slip.

And I’m not even sure if that’s supposed to be innuendo.

So then Eden starts back on the “wow he’s so in-tune with me”  thing (despite having just thought about what a dick he was), and wonders if she can become as in-sync with him as he is with her. For some reason, this makes her want to “run her hands along his face,” and:

She clung to him, pressing her hips against the back of his neck.

So basically she’s just grinding on him right now, which is so, so unattractive to me. But Bramford likes it: he starts breathing harder and stumbles.

At this, Eden offers to walk, thinking he’s getting tired. So much for reading Bramford’s body language, I guess. But then Bramford gets offended, and snaps at her, and the two get back to their adorable dynamic where they insult and accuse one another of ulterior motives. This again escalates to physical roughness: Bramford grabs Eden by the waist, and she raises her hand to slap him. He catches her hand, and tells her that this is his world now and he can see everything.

But the chapter ends, as Eden thinks:

Really? Could he also see her absurd attraction to his beastly self?

I’m fairly sure he can, because she is not subtle about it at all.

And yes, this makes two chapters in a row that are basically just alternating between feeling utter loathing and firey passion without contributing anything to the plot.

Save the Pearls: Chapter 17 (or, just listen to “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry and that’s basically this chapter)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden ducked away from camp to look for a hidden Life-Band in her backpack, but then some adorable, mischievous monkeys stole the backpack! Eden chased after them and ended up falling off a cliff into a river, but Bramford was able to save the day by carrying her to safety. When the two made it ashore, they cuddled up together for a romantic nap.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 17 (or, just listen to “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry and that’s basically this chapter)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 16 (Or, Sexy Slapstick!)

Lol, remember when I said I’d be updating more regularly? I lied. Oh well.

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden arrived at a shitty little village where indigenous Amazonian tribespeople speak Spanish. She thought about how rap music heralded humanity’s downfall, and threw a tantrum about the gross food. Her dad was condescending, and Eden sneaked away to check if by some miracle a Life-Band was smuggled into her luggage.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 16 (Or, Sexy Slapstick!)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 15 (Or, Rap Artists did Climate Change)

Apologies this recap’s delay. Shit in real life got busy.

Previously, on Save the Pearls: The Crew landed in the Amazon, and Bramford was greeted as a Aztec Jaguar Messiah by the Huaorani, who are native to the Amazon. Somehow Eden and her father didn’t spontaneously combust when they stepped into the equatorial sunlight. Now, they’re off to “La Zona Intangibale” which is bafflingly translated to mean “No-Man’s Land.”

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 15 (Or, Rap Artists did Climate Change)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 12 (or, Sex, Drugs, and A Goddamn Nerd)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden, Bramford, and Dr. Dad escaped on an airplane. then they escape on another airplane at Mach 20! Eden thinks Bramford is a major fucking hottie, but also thinks about how he’ll be rejected from society due to his new catface? Then she went on an Oxy bender. Yeah, it’s kind of all over the place.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 12 (or, Sex, Drugs, and A Goddamn Nerd)”