Save the Pearls: Chapter 21 (Or, Is Eden actually a psychopath?)

Previously on Save the Pearls: Eden was released from her Prison Hut by Lorenzo, after insulting his culture’s cuisine. She was then escorted to her dad’s new lab, where he and Bramford were discussing the permanence of Bramford’s transition. Since Bramford cannot reverse his cat-hood, he wishes to lose his humanity altogether and become a fully cat/snake/birdguy.

The chapter opens as Eden is hears an extremely loud screech, and she worries that the FFP have chased them down. Bramford starts to . . . go Super Saiyan?

She watched in amazement as Bramford’s body began to pulse. His eyes flared and the predator in him sprang to life.


Bramford leaps out of the building, and catmans off into the jungle. Eden “goes weak in the knees” at this display of raw power and jaguariness. (BEAST count: 23).

Eden’s dad limps over, and informs us that the screeching is just a howler monkey (and of course he has to work the howler monkey’s scientific name into this, because that’s what biologists do?) and tells us that they’re the loudest land animal in the world. Eden, being Eden, simply complains that it’s giving her a headache. Dr. Dad says he thinks that Bramford’s catching it for dinner.

Again, a big cat’s growl pierced the air, followed by a painful squeal. Eden quivered as she pictured Bramford, lusty for the kill, ripping into the howler.

OK, so I know I’ve been lowkey kink shaming Victoria Foyt for the majority of this readthrough, but, like, I hope I’ve made it clear that it’s the racial fetishization and the heavy eroticization of interpersonal violence in a novel aimed at teenagers that I really have a problem with.

But now I’m wondering: is Eden supposed to be legitimately psychopathic? I don’t mean that as a slur. Eden is literally being turned on by the thought of someone violently killing an animal. I am officially kink shaming. Who the fuck writes stuff like this and attaches their actual name to it?  (oh also BEAST count: 24)

But anyway, Eden’s dad is proud of his creation, and says “that’s my boy.” I hope he isn’t getting turned on by this too, but I no longer am going to give Foyt the benefit of the doubt.

But then Dr. Dad notices that Eden isn’t wearing any Blackface, and scolds her. Eden tells him that it washed off in the river, and then her dad scolds her some more and tells her it’s a good thing Bramford was there to save her. In response to this, Eden thinks,

Yeah, lucky me.

And I honestly don’t know if I’m supposed to read that as sarcastic or not. Flip a coin. It doesn’t matter.

But now we transition into another little flashback from when Eden was little. She remembers seeing her mother and father dancing to a “forbidden” jazzy song praising an attractive white woman. Eden remembers her father complimenting on how pretty her mother’s blue eyes were. She also remembers that they weren’t wearing blackface, which they made her promise to keep a secret.

Then the flashback is over. Eden gets angry, and asks her father why he messed with nature:

“Mother was right. [. . .] It was wrong to twist Bramford into this savage creature.” Who’s so exciting and yet, so infuriating.

I’m guessing that last bit was added so that the audience is reassured that Eden isn’t actually judging Bramford too hard.

Eden and her dad argue about what her mother thought about Dr. Dad’s work, which of course ends with Eden in tears. She charges out of the Lab-hut, runs through the village, and throws herself into the town’s “watering hole.” While she wallows, she thinks about Bramford and how he seemed to truly “see” her, and how nice he was to cuddle with, etc. Then of course she has to list some animals and their scientific names, and I swear to fucking god this scene happens every chapter. Finally, she flips back to being giddy, as she splashes some water on her face.

At this point, Bramford has returned with dinner. Eden hides behind a tree as she watches him, and thinks he looks smugger and more confident than ever. She thinks derisively that he didn’t need any more arrogance, but also that she wants him more than ever.

As Eden approaches him, he pointedly does not look at her. This, apparently, warrants some abuse:

For Earth’s sake, why didn’t the beast look at her? Shaking, Eden raised a hand to slap him.

Why?!?!?! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Does she need some more opiate-withdrawal-relieving acai berries or something?

Bramford turns towards Eden before she can slap him, though, and she drops her arm. Then he tells her that the monkey is not ready to be eaten.

Eden wrinkled her nose. “I won’t eat that,” she said, aiming to hurt him with her words. “I’m not an animal.”

Good. I hope she starves to death.

Bramford feels similarly, telling her that if she were an animal, she’d be less trouble. Which is true.

She swept past him with a frustrated huff. Pins and needles stabbed her chest. She could barely see through her anger. She slipped on a pile of Brazil nuts and fell onto a log.

At this point, I’m not even sure if Foyt herself likes Eden. Bramford “smirks” at her misfortune, which I really cannot blame him for. Eden’s father also shows up, and gives her a judgey look as well.

While Eden is still lying on the ground (I think?) she notices that Maria and Lorenzo seem to be close:

Eden understood they were mates, although neither wore a white mark on their foreheads. Of course, with no pressure to mate, why bother marking one’s status?

  1. Does it occur to Eden that such a display of being taken will vary between cultures, and therefore she has no idea if the two are somehow signalling their hypothetical commitment?
  2. What does “pressure to mate” have to do with such displays? Wouldn’t it make more sense to say “in a community where everyone knows everyone else and their relationship status, wouldn’t signalling information like that be redundant?”
  3. I really don’t know what deep observation about the flaws of today’s society Foyt thinks she’s making. Is she saying that there’s too much pressure on people to get married? I really don’t get it.

Eden also noticed a peculiar glow that the couple shared. Could it possibly be evidence of love? Perhaps, she thought with growing excitement, remnants of it still existed in this untainted corner of the world.

And can we just take a moment to remember how fucking infatuated Eden was with Jamal back in the earlier chapters? She called him her “Dark Prince.” She thought romantic thoughts about how he could see the “real Eden.” If Foyt wanted Eden to be such a love-skeptic, shouldn’t Eden only been focused on Jamal’s utility rather than having her get all giddy over him whenever she saw him? This whole “what are these strange feelings” theme is rendered completely null and void by the fact that we already know that Eden knows she’s capable of these feelings. It’s stupid.

And as Eden is still maybe on the ground from her nut accident, she also watches some little girls playing. Lorenzo tells her that they’re his daughters, and Eden is shocked that they have multiple children.

Then, another Huaorani dude, who is introduced as Lorenzo’s brother Charlie, arrives on the scene. . .and he’s carrying Eden’s lost backpack! She desperately hopes that the LIfe Band is still in there, and Charlie sits down next to her.

Then Eden sees a woman breastfeeding a child, and is repulsed:

Eden couldn’t stand the emotions any longer. The soft looks between the couples, the nakedness, and the girls’ relentless laughter–it was all too much. Dizzy, she lurched towards the girls.

The girls start screaming about Rebecca again, and as Maria scolds them, Charlie tries to distract them with the backpack. They run away to a hut, and Charlie sets the backpack down. Eden tries to grab it, but then I guess the girls are back? Because they grab it instead.

I hope they lead her to a cliff and she falls to her death.

But that doesn’t happen: the girls must have grabbed a wooden carving in the three seconds they were gone, because one of them gives a small carving to Charlie.

Dr. Dad explains that this is a Huaorani custom: a gift for a gift. Eden wonders who did the carving, and thinks out loud that there must be someone in that particular hut. Bramford tells her that she shouldn’t think about it, but of course this has the opposite effect.

Now Eden was sure someone or something hid there. If she discovered the truth, she might gain leverage over him. Her legs worked like pistons as she hurried towards it.

She keeps running, and calls out for Rebecca, thinking she must be in the hut. Bramford chases her, and as he grabs her, she passes out.

And that’s the end of this pointless chapter

Save the Pearls: Chapter 15 (Or, Rap Artists did Climate Change)

Apologies this recap’s delay. Shit in real life got busy.

Previously, on Save the Pearls: The Crew landed in the Amazon, and Bramford was greeted as a Aztec Jaguar Messiah by the Huaorani, who are native to the Amazon. Somehow Eden and her father didn’t spontaneously combust when they stepped into the equatorial sunlight. Now, they’re off to “La Zona Intangibale” which is bafflingly translated to mean “No-Man’s Land.”

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 15 (Or, Rap Artists did Climate Change)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 8(or, What About The Alt-Left?)

EDIT: I originally thought that this was chapter  7, but it turns out that I skipped an entire chapter, so this is actually chapter 8. Oops.

Previously, on Save the Pearls: After being captured by two scary members of the FFP, Eden is taken to the Moon Dance, where she almost raped twice! Though she briefly escapes, she is recaptured, but just when she loses all hope of rescue, her boss Bramford appears to save her. He says some Edward Cullen/Christian Grey-type stuff, and then they return to her father’s lab.


Previously, on Save the Pearls: Eden and Bramford flew on an airplane back to the lab. We learned there’s an Important Fire going on on the surface! That was it.

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 8(or, What About The Alt-Left?)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 3 (or, In Which Victoria Foyt Butchers Biology, Economics, Sociology, and more!)

Previously, on Save the Pearls: Having been swarmed by a mob of angry black people, Eden attempts to flee, but she’s not very spatially endowed so instead of escaping from the horde, she smacked right into her sexy, beast-like boss, Ronson Bramford. Although Eden expressed severe dislike of this man, he seemed to go easier on her than she anticipated. Furthermore, we learn that Eden is in a secret relationship with the Head of Security, Jamal, and hopes that he’ll choose to “mate” with her. Ultimately, Eden was put on probation for failing at work, but otherwise emerged unharmed. Also, Jamal said that they would have a hot date!

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 3 (or, In Which Victoria Foyt Butchers Biology, Economics, Sociology, and more!)”

Save the Pearls: Chapter 1 (or, The Bad Beginning)

When I started reading this novel yesterday, I was skeptical that it would be as abjectly terrible as Handbook for Mortals. Like, I didn’t doubt that it would suck, and handle its racial elements horrendously, but I thought it would probably be a paint-by-the-numbers forbidden love thing, and that would ultimately cobble together some kind of social-jusice-y “racism is bad!” moral. Thankfully, I was wrong. This one is so much worse.

While Handbook for Mortals is amateurishly written and certainly has a lot of problematic elements, there’s an unselfconscious earnestness about it that is, in retrospect, almost endearing. It’s a beautiful mess in the way that The Room or Birdemic: Shock and Terror both are.

Save the Pearls is different. While its prose is marginally better, it also tries to be Important. Where Lani Sarem quotes the Dixie Chicks and Tumblr poets, Victoria Foyt quotes Albert Einstein and Emily Dickinson. Where Lani Sarem steers clear of anything weighty or topical, Victoria Foyt has a lot of serious stuff to say about racism, Science, Nature, Love, and even communism (!). All of it is incorrect. Read on to find how just how bad it is!

Continue reading “Save the Pearls: Chapter 1 (or, The Bad Beginning)”